Tuesday! And I just had my second live stream of this week where I talked about my little daily quest that happened an hour ago. in other words – I feel great!
What did I do? Well I approached a girl at the subway station with the intention to practice some social skills and be a bit flirty. And the whole thing might have ended up costing my 860 SEK. If you want the details you just have to watch the live stream in replay yourself.
BUT what I do want to emphasize is the MAGIC of doing these small little uncomfortable challenges on a daily basis. It really adds so much excitement to the everyday life. I was kind of drained of energy and exhausted before talking to this girl – afterwards I just felt great, and still do.
It’s fascinating to me how such a small thing like being a bit uncomfortable and flirt some with a stranger can add so much excitement to the day. And it doesn’t have to concern “flirting”. When I did my Christmas calendar this December turned out to be such a blast (one challenge each day for 23 days where I was supposed to prove to myself that I didn’t care what people thought of me)! Now it for sure also was a hustle, but I have so many great moments to look back at. It makes me smile in this very moment just thinking about it. I’m so convinced that those truly great moments, only comes after some kind of effort was invested to reach that moment. The greater the effort, the greater the emotional reward. Food never tastes as good as after you’ve worked out hard to earn that extra peace of treat.
I have a naive hope for what the people living on this world can accomplish.
The beauty of all these small little challenges I’ve done, is how little time they actually took. Of course, they required a whole lot of willpower and varying degree of anxiety to live through before pulling the trigger. But the actual execution often only lasted a couple of minutes – yet they gave me so much in return. So much. Connection, joy & laughter, great moments to look back at, social skill development and so much self-esteem growth for doing what I had set out to do. Perhaps most importantly – hope in people and the joint world we live in. Proof of how much the people we walk by everyday can add to our lives if we just choose to open that door.
Anyways, time to reward myself with some food for today’s efforts:).
Hope all of you had a lovely day, see you tomorrow.
Hey Guys! So this week there won’t be any extensive blog posts, instead I’ll be sharing what’s on my mind through my live streams that’ll be having every day Monday – Friday, I’ll be doing them just as I get home, which means that I’ve just performed the daily quest I have this week:
Cold approach one girl each day on my way home from work and start a conversation with her. Purpose: Practicing my social skills; getting used to handle rejections; building self-esteem ( doing the necessary actions I’ve put up for myself to reach my goals)
In the live stream I also briefly discussed my first day of preserving my willpower throught the day through some teqniues I presetned in a blog post I did this saturday.
So It’s Sunday, and once more we stand on the verge of throwing ourselves into yet another week. A week of personal growth – If you choose to. As always, I choose to – it just makes life so much more fun!
In this video, I’m going to present a little social challenge for you and me to do each day, Monday through Friday. Is it going to be hard and fill you up with anxiety. So Why the heck should we do this? Well, I don’t know about you, but I believe in pushing myself to those uncomfortable places to develop the social skills I so long for. Being able to enjoy every social situation, anywhere, any time. I’ve come far, which means I more and more often get to connect with and truly enjoy social situations.
We’ll always have problems in life, but we can choose what kind of problems we want to have. Much of our happiness is born out of solving problems, hence it makes sense to choose the areas we want to have most of our ‘problems’ in.
“We suffer for the simple reason that suffering is biologically useful. It is nature’s preferred agent for inspiring change. We have evolved to always live with a certain degree of dissatisfaction and insecurity, because it’s the mildly dissatisfied and insecure creature that’s going to do the most work to innovate and survive.”
It’s important to understand that it’s about the process – who you become on your journey to that end goal. And how much fun, excitement and joy it adds to your everyday life when you have small little mini quests to overcome. If you don’t enjoy the journey, it isn’t going to last. I try to see life as a game – and I want to level up and have a blast doing so!
And by putting up small ‘end goals’, we get to celebrate often. The sense of proudness you feel when you’ve pushed through and done a tough social challenge is just… Well, let’s just say that it’s worth all the hustle (check out this video if you want to see me experience this)
Last Sunday I talked about how to implement three social habits ( link ) and if you want a great video on thw whole conept of habits check this one out. And in this week’s challenge I thought I’d iterate on one of those habits. You see every time I run home from work, I have a three kilometre distances where I’ve implemented the following habit:
Cue: Stepping of the train.
Routine: When passing a girl that interests me in some way, I try get eye contact and then say hello/hi. That’s it.
Reward: Sense of proudness for doing a socially uncomfortable thing I sat out to do
Skill development: Lowering the bar to ignite a conversation with girls/anyone
The 2.0 version of this habit :
Routine: When passing a girl that interests me in some way, I try get eye contact and then say hello/hi AND start a conversation with her. Telling her that I wanted to talk to her because she looks cool/cute/interesting/nice ( whatever feeling I genuinely had for wanting to talk to her).
Skill development: igniting a conversation with a person I’m attracted to
As part of this challenge, I will also be doing a very short live stream daily (Monday – Friday) when I get home just after doing this. Sharing my experiences and reflections, but also trying something new with the channel. Would love for you to join in and share yours too.
But so, the challenge for you is to do this as well, tweak it if necessary to suit you or pick another social challenge. Remember It should be a small daily thing, and it should be pushing you out of your comfort zone. But not overdoing it. Then you’ll just run the risk of creating an emotional scar if it fails badly. Or not do it at all. Also, I want you to design it as a habit; defining when, where and how you’re going to this (que, routine, reward – read more here:). Eliminating as much needed willpower as possible. Remember to remind yourself for why YOU are doing this.
I don’t know about you, but my initial willpower driven New Year’s resolutions efforts have decreased some. Hence, my secondary focus this week is to work on optimizing the use of willpower in my life, making sure I have enough for the right things. For instance, not failing on my weekly challenge quests just because I spent all my willpower on shitty decision like buying crap or what food I’m going to eat today. Now I addressed this in my live stream this Friday, but I also wrote a blog post about this yesterday.
In practice it will look like this:
I’ll be looking over my life and see which areas I spend unnecessary willpower through choices that doesn’t matter
Remove as much temptations as possible so I don’t have to fight urges.
Sleep more
Utilize standby mode sessions
Meditate more
So that’s is, see you tomorrow in the livestream around 1800 Swedish time!
/Alexander
P.S This week’s bok is Fingertoppskansla, By Henrik Fexeus
What up guys? In today’s blog post I thought I share some insights on how our Willpower works, and how we can adjust our days to optimize the preservation of it. Or to put in a meaningful context – not waste willpower on shitty small decisions, so you have some to spend when it really is needed for important things! Like having an important conversation, exercising, or approaching the potential love of your life you just saw walking by. This will also work as a primer for next week’s challenge – because a challenge isn’t a challenge if it doesn’t require some willpower to go through with it!
Bellow I’ll present the gist of it, and I’m basing the content on the YouTube video course by Improvement pill which I’ve mentioned before (link down there). A lot of this content is also covered in The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal – a great book I strongly can recommend. Anyways, let’s get into it.
Willpower is like a battery – The more you use it, the less you’ll have left. We start off with a certain amount when we wake up, but as we go through our days making a bunch of decisions and perform mentally challenging tasks, it’ll drain. So, depending on how your days look like, you’ll use up different amounts. For instance, when your studying for exams (which requires a whole lot of willpower), many find themselves losing all sense of normal everyday life routines like eating, sleeping and taking basic care of oneself. In a research context, they’ve named this state as “EGO DEPLETION” and it in fact makes your brain work slower and you become more emotional and impulsive.
Moreover, we also deplete our willpower reservoir when we are fighting cravings and needs. Over time though if we resist falling into these ‘traps’, we strengthen our willpower. But in the short-term perspective – it drains us! This means if we’re are trying to implement a bunch of new habits at the same time, it will be very hard for us to do so. I naively thought I could implement 10+ new habits as my new year’s resolution. Looking individually at each one of these habits, they don’t look much to the world. But when you sum up all the necessary willpower required, I burn through my daily budget with ease.
However, this view of having a limited resource has been changed in research lately, stating that it’s more about what mindset you have. 30% biological and 70% psychological to put it in numbers. Ironically even having a belief that willpower is limited will decrease your level of willpower (did I just make you a worse person?).
Looking at my own experience these past weeks, it makes sense. First week went by like a charm, super pumped and motivated. Since, still trying to do the same amount of habits, the willpower to do so is far less. Hence it can’t be tied to a ‘daily budget’. But there’s still truth to both concepts, and by embracing them both we can make sure to design our lives in in ways that optimize how we relate to willpower as a finite resource.
So how do we design our days better from a willpower conserving perspective? Here are some of the tips from the videos (Check them out if you want more details). My personal favourites are more sleep (powernaps), implemeting habits (longterm) and meditation. Altough the one I’m most excited about right now is excluding uncessary decisions from my life. Last week I spent unsubscribing to soo many diferent mails I got coming in daily. Considering all these offers we get means a whole lot of wasted willpower. Willpower that could be spent much better. Even if we can make a good deal, those earned dollars aren’t cheep if we consider what other bad choices it will make us do.
Good Luck and see you tomorrow:)
/Alexander
Video Links: (playlist :
How To Stop Bad Decisions With Willpower
THE SECRET TO STAYING MOTIVATED – Willpower Efficiency
How To Recharge Your Willpower
5 LIFE HACKS That Will MOTIVATE You To Do ANYTHING
Yeah I just had that moment when I realized all the things I thought was going to happen, isn’t going to happen. To high ambitions, too many goals, in too many areas. It happens to all of us. If you can’t relate to this, you’re either a freak (good for you!) or you’ve never put up any goals.
But I planned for this, I didn’t think it was going to happen this quickly, but an INTENSE week really put me to the test, and I didn’t hold up. But that’s alright, because I have my weekly Friday evaluation session where I can re-ground myself. Look back at the week, analyse and reflect on how I’ve been progressing on my goals AND do some tweaking.
I talked a some about this in my weekly live evaluation I did earlier today, if you want to watch the replay, you’ll find it here: https://youtu.be/6MaXxsKkcEs?t=20m57s
But the gist of it is that You need to make sure that you know what it is that you want, you have a well thought out strategy for how to reach it, and most importantly you’re properly motivated for WHY you actually want this. This follows both Simon Sinek’s golden circle, and the fundamental principles behind Tony Robins RPM planning method and David Allen’s Getting things Done approach.
The what – Am I getting what I want
The How – Is the strategy I’m using working? For instance If it’s concerning training, how an what exercise am I doing. There’s a thousand ways to l lose weight if that’s a goal. Maybe you’ve decided to start running every day, but think it’s the most boring thing in the world. News flash – that’s not going to work! Find a better way!
The Why – Making sure you have deep motivation for what you’re pursuing is the most important thing. Take the time to actually write this down. And if it’s not easy, then perhaps it not a goal you should pursue?
So I know what I’m up to this weekend – revisiting and planning my New Year’s goals!
There’s a law that I came across this summer that when I read Tim Ferris Book The 4-hour work week (great book) that has fundamentally changed my approach to getting things done. It’s called Parkinson’s law and states: “Shorten work time to limit tasks to the important.”, but it’s its subtext that holds the real learning;
Once I had read that sentence I saw my entire life flash back in an instance, quickly realising how this seemed to be accurate for everything I ever done. I’m just not finished until l really, really, have to be. When I studied to become an engineer, I thought I was clever to start early – so I could finish early. But I never finished. I kept refining and grinding till the very last minute. Spending all my time, time that perhaps could be used more wisely. And this is especially true for creative work. It can always be a little bit better; some words that can be tweaked, some sound effects that could be added, some colours to make it pop.
But knowledge is power, and with power we can change! In other words, you can fix this by actually starting to work with tight deadlines. Specify what it is that you have to do within the limited time you give yourself. Warning – make sure you mean it. Something I failed on with my blogg-every-day-in-January-challenge (so much for that learning). I fail to set a strict deadline for myself, or I told myself I could have 40 minutes every day. But I just stopped caring about it, resulting in all my evening free time going to writing this damn thing. Leaving me with no movie editing time. Which sucks.
And that’s why I’m going to end this blog post right now. Because I just got home from shooting a kick-off event at my company, 7 girls trying to make an impact – Engineers for equality. So now I’m going to edit the shit out of that!
A whole bunch of us used to love being creative as kids, weather it concerned drawing, playing with Lego, building some undefined thing or just playing an instrument. Unfortunately, many of us gets distanced from our creative side as we turn into grownups. And with that losing connection to the inner child. A common reality I myself lived in for many years until I by accident fell in love with video editing 1,5 years ago. And my experience of life just had a whole new dimension added to it. Or reinstalled I should say. Young creative fat Alex is back, and I love him!
I think the reason we stop doing these things have to do with us growing up and finding ourselves in a world where time is the most precious commodity. And we often measure that in the currency of what we get out of it on an objective scale. If we work we get money. If we accomplish something on our never ending to-do-list, we get a shorter never ending to-do-list. Then there’s spending time with friends and family, which maybe is a more subjective experience (and a highly necessary one), but could perhaps be combined with a creative activity to greater extent. And then it’s more work again.
I don’t blame you for prioritizing like this, that’s how I lived my entire grown up life as well. Taking time to be creative just doesn’t make sense from a logical perspective. But that’s why we need to look at it from a different perspective. We should see it as a piece of the ever so important wellbeing puzzle. An activity – like training – that makes us experience joy and happiness. Entering that marvellous flow state (and perhaps sometimes generating a bit of sweet and tears too). And yeah, stress and anxiety also have a hard time sticking around when enter these emotional states.
One of my videos I had really fun with editing, just letting my creative self lose.
If you ask me, judging by my own newly re born experience to ‘practicing’ creativity daily, it’s one of the easiest way to tap into these emotions. Not saying it can’t be frustrating and evoke opposite feelings at times, but I’m talking about the overall experience when you find something that’s ‘right’ for you. All this without needing to go on a one week trip to a distant island in the Pacific’s. And it could happen daily; after work, in your living room, at the kitchen table, at your computer, even in your phone.
As a successful creative you need to be able to let go of external opinions and pressure and expose your ‘true voice’. But this is easier said than done in the perfect Instagram world we live in today (Ironically enough, Instagram is one of the few places people are being creative today). We fear other people’s judgements so much. So much. It doesn’t help that many of us have emotional scars from our childhood attached to a creative area. A friend or family member that made negative remarks (to put it tenderly) about your creation, or even worse a teacher that cut a deep wound within.
But once and a while you’re able to connect with that playful self – I’m hoping. Disconnecting yourselves from the grownup judgmental self-criticising mind, and unleash a burst of childish creativity to the world. You feel alive. Unfiltered joy. A sense proudness for adding something unique to this world. Now you don’t go and say this out loud. Of course not. You only turned down the self-criticising mind enough to actually create something. The mind is still shouting. You barley even think these thoughts. However, subconsciously, that is how you feel. And if you do share it with someone, it comes with long excusing remarks about how it’s really nothing serious and it’s just made on a fly. Even though you put your heart and soul into it. But that’s alright, this is the least of our problems – at least you did it! And you feel proud, and you should be. You can work on being more vulnerable later.
From A YouTube Creator’s day a couple of months back here in Stockholm.
So, what can you do to get Intouch with your creative self again? Well, depends. If you had something you used to love doing back in the days, like drawing or playing a instrument – go for that. Or try something completely new out like me and start a YouTube channel. It for sure entails a shitload of creativity being needed.
I can’t see why it shouldn’t be a part of your life on a daily basis. So I say design a daily creativity habit, but set a very low minimum bar. Perhaps five minutes of drawing each day while eating. Below I link a video for how you can design a good habit that will last. If you think a daily habit is too much of a commitment, set aside some time each week. Put it in the calendar and make sure to do it! This may seem as a ‘boring’ way to approach something that should be playful and funny. Put if you haven’t set a side time for it so far – due to all the important things you need to do – why would it be any difference next week?
And if you want some more indebt advices in how to become a good artist /creative, check out this great YouTube video I watched yesterday and really got me inspired.
How to build your creative confidence | David Kelley – https://youtu.be/16p9YRF0l-g
How To Be Creative | Off Book | PBS Digital Studios – https://youtu.be/weIQIthC3Ks
One of my favourite authors; Brene Brown – shame and vulnerability is her thing. You can’t have a conversation about creativity without overlapping the vulnerability topic. If you want a fresh read, she just released a great book called Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Here’s a good interview a lecture with her:
Brené Brown: Why Your Critics Aren’t The Ones Who Count – https://youtu.be/8-JXOnFOXQk
An interview: Daring Greatly to Unlock Your Creativity with Brené Brown | Chase Jarvis LIVE | ChaseJarvis – https://youtu.be/kAk4cwjvJ0A
The world just had to put me to the test today. I guess I had it coming when I posted yesterday’s blog post, perhaps making me come of like not being annoyed or frustrated about anything, and condemning people who are. None of those two things are neither true or what I intended to do. As I said then, once and a while I too complain over those things that in ‘my book’ shouldn’t be wasted precious energy on.
I just try to be conscious enough to not spill it out in the public forum, dragging other innocent people with me. We have mirror neurons, and when we are around negative people we subconsciously try to match their emotional state. This behaviour is also truethe other way around. And I rather impact my surrounding in that direction. But unless you’re Buddha himself, most of us will feel some degree of bad emotions when shitty things happen. Me too can experience an emotional carousel when things don’t go my way.
Today was one of those day; long tough day at work. Slept like shit. Had some wired feeling within I couldn’t quite pinpoint. So finally, I threw myself on the bike, eager to get home as quick as possible and reward myself with a nice hot meal at the finish line. Minus 3-4 degrees. Slippery as heck on the roads. And my bike didn’t quite want it my way. But finally, with frozen fingers and toes, too many stops due to a chain that didn’t what to stay on, a bike ride that this morning took 53 minutes finally was over after ~ 1½ hours.
Click the image to get to the source, I don’t own any rights!
Did I go mad? Did people think a furious Hitler just passed them on the bike? No. I did manage to control myself. Sure, when my chain flew off for the third time and I had no sense of life in my fingers left, a burst of irritation filled me up. And I felt that, I really did. But I accepted it and I stayed in the emotions. But then I decided to move on and laughed over the irony of me using the example of keeping it cool when getting a flat tire in yesterday’s blog post. Turned to Spotify and Eric Prydz, and instead thought about this giving me some material for the blog. The old me would have been so immersed in those evil emotions, probably letting it affect the rest of the evening.
Butwhy do I keep nagging on about this topic? It’s simple. I’m practicing my sales skills. With some intentional focused personal development work, we truly have the potential to change our lives to the better. There’s so much life potential buried within each one of us. At least that’s what I’ve come to experience, and I’m just too overly enthusiastic to not try and make you discover that as well. I feel obligated to let the rest of the world know! Despite if you think I’m a nutcase or not.
So how do you increase your ability to be less emotionally reactive? Yesterday I mentioned the basic outline I follow, based on the book the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem; 1. Being Conscious. 2.Self-Acceptance. 3. Self-responsibility. But It really starts with living more consciously. You need to pass through that door first. Which is not done so easily. It can however be done with some effort and an approach that fits you.
If you read the book I refer too, it will present you with some sentence completion exercises to do daily for a while. Basically, making you spell out how you would act if you lived your life with a higher level of consciousness. The purpose being to activate your conscious mind. It takes about five to ten minutes in the morning and in the evening. I’ve done it in periods, and it has worked well. But truthfully, it’s quite boring and I really had to force myself to do it. All personal development won’t be fun, I’ll tell you that!
Another way to increase your level of consciousness is through practicing meditation, which also can be… Boring! You’ll perhaps grow to love it as I’ve done (I really hated it and still do at times). So, are there any fun ways? Well, my absolute favourite way of working on increasing my level of consciousness is through journaling. Which I do a whole lot.
Now, I’ve already written too much (and still haven’t had my hot-meal-bike-reward) so instead I’m going to direct you to a video I’ve done where I describe my journaling process for this purpose. Also bellow I give you sources to some different alternatives for how to become more conscious and aware.
The video: The most important skill to Face Your Fears – How to become more Conscious
Two good videos by Brendon Burchard on this topic:
Or a even more extensive and longer one including a meditation like practice, but with the focus of awareness. If you have the time and energy to get through it, it’s well worth your time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01Pfs3VuizM
#Meditation
Finding 10 minutes a day to practice meditation. Just sitting down, closing your eyes and trying to be aware. This link will get you straight to a very nice Meditation For Beginners guide by Leo Gura ( really recommend it) https://youtu.be/fXmG1x1ih1U?t=5m14s
If you have a super short attention span, here’s a shorter guide: “How To Meditate For Beginners – A Definitive Guide – video:” https://youtu.be/mMMerxh_12U
# Sentence completion exercise as described from the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nahaniel Branden:
“When working with sentence completion on your own, you can use a notebook, typewriter, or computer. (An acceptable alternative is to do the sentence completions into a tape recorder, in which case you keep repeating the stem into a recorder, each time completing it with a difference ending, and pliy the work back later to reflect on it.)
First thing in the morning, before proceeding to the day’s business, sit and write the following stem:
If I bring more awareness to my life today-
Then, as rapidly as possible, without pausing for reflection, write as many endings for that sentence as you can in two or three minutes (never fewer than six and ten is enough).
Do not worry if your endings are literally true, or make sense, or are “profound.” Write anything, but write something. “ (1995, Branden, p. 309-310)
Here’s more sentences:
“Living consciously to me means –
Then, as rapidly as possible, without pausing for reflection, write as many endings for that sentence as you can in two or three minutes (never fewer than six, but ten is enough). Do not worry if your endings are literally true, make sense, or are “profound.” Write anything, but write something.
Then, go on to the next stem: If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities today-
(Why only 5 percent? Let us proceed in small, nonintimidating, “bitesizechews.” Besides, most of the time 5 percent is plenty!)
Then: If I pay more attention to how· I deal with people today-
Then: If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my most important relationships-
Then: If I bring 5 percent more awareness to (fill in a particular problem you are concerned about-for example, your relationship with someone, or a barrier you’ve hit at work, or your feelings of anxiety or depression) –
When you are finished, proceed with your day’s business. At the end of the day, as your last task before dinner, do six to ten endings each for the following stems:
When I reflect on how I would feel if I lived more consciously-
When I reflect what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities-
When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to my most important relationships-
When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to (whatever you’ve filled in)-
Do this exercise every day, Monday through Friday for the first week. Do not read what you wrote the day before. Naturally there will be many repetitions. But also, new endings will inevitably occur. You are energizing all of your psyche to work for you.
Sometime each weekend, reread what you have written for the week, and then write a minimum of six endings for this stem:
If any of what I wrote this week is true, it would be helpful if 1-
In doing this work, the ideal is to empty your mind of any expectations concerning what will happen or what is “supposed” to happen. Do not impose any demands on the situation. Try to empty your mind of expectations.
Do the exercise, go about your day’s activities, and merely notice any differences in how you feel or how you operate. You will discover that you have set in motion forces that make it virtually impossible for you to avoid operating more consciously.”
( The Six Pillars of self-esteem, p.85, Nathaniel Branden)
MONDAY, FUN DAY! Ah, I just love life right now. I probably shouldn’t be going around saying stuff like that, or at least I used to think like that before I stopped caring so much what people thought of me. I wonder how many people that have ‘strong emotions’ towards me for being that guy. You know that guy? If you ever saw the Friends episode with Phoebes new boyfriend that everybody had ‘strong emotions’ towards because he was just so over the top excited about everything – that’s the guy. Sometimes I can’t help but to do a split-second comparison when I’ve said something that might just had been a tad too enthusiastic.
But it’s just not true – I do have problems, which I’ve quite openly talked about in this blog. And that Phoebes boyfriend was annoying like crazy. I have the opinion that it’s alright – and sometimes necessary – to vent negative thoughts and emotions. But I don’t believe in sharing them openly over and over again. Especially not without doing something about it, or when there’s even something that can be done about it. Like the weather or traffic jams.
But I do believe that friends and certain people should listen, empathise and support when everything just feels like shit. And perhaps come with a new clear perspective. Now I’m a bit of hypocrite for saying this, because I fall into this trap myself ones and a while. But I really, really try not to.
Click the image if you want a short video summary of the book
Because I do believe in being aware and take in what you’re felling. Accepting those thoughts and emotions that are present. Not trying to supress them, but instead embrace them. It’s not until then we are able to objectively do something about whatever is making us miserable. It’s called taking responsibility, and it’s a mindset that can make all the difference.
“I am responsible for my choices and actions. To be ‘responsible’ in this context means responsible not as the recipient of moral blame or guilt, but responsible as the chief causal agent in my life and behaviour.”
– Nathaniel Branden, The Six pillars of Self-Esteem
If something happens to me, I go through this process of 1. Being Conscious. 2.Self-Acceptance. 3. Self-responsibility. I get better and better at handling whatever is thrown at me, and the ‘reactive Alex’ has a far less impact on my life today. But it hasn’t come without a whole lot of practice and work. Now, I may not be able to control or impact some external things that happens to me, like a rainy day or a flat tire, but I am the one in charge of how I decide to respond to those things. The actions I take and what mental state I chose to be in. That’s why I can take my flat tires with a smile on my face 5 o clock in the morning in the middle of the dark.
“Okay, this gives me some extra time to listen to this audiobook. And I’m going to be here whether I like it or not, so I just might as well enjoy it as best I can”
I’m not saying this approach is ‘the one way to live life’ and an absolute truth. But it’s my current belief of what a god way of living looks like. And it’s an approach I’ve adopted after reading Nathaniel Branden’s Book The Six pillars of self-esteem a bunch(!) of times. I’ve recently decided to never ‘get stuck’ on one thing as the holy truth. I aim to always be open to and explore other views and perspectives – and that goes for all kinds of areas. History tells us that we tend to get things wrong.
But so you see, the reason for me loving life a bit extra much in this very moment is because I just got home. And that means I just had a run, since I either run or bike to work. And when I run, especially when I push myself a bit extra as I tend to do when the fridge is within reach (is there a stronger motivator than food?), the endorphin release in my body is just.. It’s just freaking amazing! Getting high every day. Two times a day. Love it. That’s also why people tend to get the overly excited answer, as they usually ask how I’m doing when come in at work in the morning – just after workout. And I just can’t contain myself in those moments; ‘It’s absolutely fantastic! ‘ .
Have a great day guys,
/Alexander
P.S if you missed this week’s Challenges, which is all about implementing some habits that will benefit your social skill development – here it is:
What up guys? This blog post is going to be a little bit different. You see every Sunday for the last ~ 1,5 years I’ve been posting a weekly Challenge on my YouTube Channel. The idea is simple; put up at least one objective that are supposed to be done before Friday evening. It can be a daily thing, or something bigger. It can be theoretical like reading, or it can be practical like performing some action or deed. It can include external people, or something that is to be done on your own. The purpose and goal is to make you grow in a specific niched area.
Weekly challenges are something I randomly started doing like ten years ago. Back then I remember always buying something tasty as a reward. I put it clearly visible in the fridge, so it would look back at me every time I opened it. But I was only allowed to eat it at the coming Friday, IF I successfully accomplished the challenge. Years went by and It became quite the regular thing in my life. I had fun with it, but the commitment and effort level varied quite a lot.
But so, some week’s after spontaneously starting a YouTube channel in March of 2016 (for no clear reason), I got the idea of making weekly personal development challenges the theme of the channel. Putting out my challenges and efforts to accomplish them to the world, and then share the learnings and reflections it resulted in. The later part happens through a live weekly live stream every (almost) Friday.
I’m always trying to have as much fun with it as I possibly can. Not choosing to do what’s the most strategical right thing to make the channel grow, but doing what will grow me the most as a person. Because the thing is, I’m really not that concerned with having a lot of views or subscribers. I use YouTube as a platform to structure my own personal growth, and putting it out there to the world adds some external pressure to follow through on my challenges. And when other people join in; when there’s discussion, questions and people getting inspired, it gives me so much energy to keep on. Also, the love I’ve found for filmmaking and editing can’t be described with words. Finally, an outlet for my creativity.
A friend of mine once asked me if I never get tired of ‘growing’? I was a bit stifled by thequestion, almost shocked. To me personal growth is one of the most amazing things ever and one of the true cornerstones to live a fulfilled and joyful life. And being able to make other people discover that as well, well..
Life is like biking, if you don’t constantly move forward, then you’re going to tip over.
Nuff said about that – just wanted to give you guys some context for what I do and Why I do it. Now let’s invite you into how this week’s challenge looks like:
THIS WEEK’S CHALLENGE: 3 Habits to Increase Your Social Skills
So, there’s been a whole lot of habit talk in the last blog posts. And it’s not by random. Habits and routines are probably the most sustainable way to automate personal development, cut out addictions and reach goals. Even since I read the book, the power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg ( https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12609433-the-power-of-habit) almost 2 years ago, I personally can testify to this, along with a whole bunch of other people I’ve come across.
Since this year started I’ve implemented a whole load of new daily habits, or slightly tweaked some of my already existing. The purpose being to reach some new goals, but also to get rid of some life-limiting addictions of mine. So far, it’s working like a charm.
I’ve been discussing the details for how habits work in previous videos and texts, so I’m going to leave out the details here. But I am going to direct you to a great channel called ‘improvement pill’ that has an entire YouTube mini course on this topic. It consists of a bunch of short videos going through Habits and willpower; how it all works and what you need to know to start changing your life with habits. It’s all described in a very pedagogic way (https://youtu.be/b2njoDynrSY).
I’m instead going to share three habits that will benefit your social life and interaction with the external world. It will lead to you being able to strike up conversations with random people, and enjoy the heck out of doing so. But remember the basic principle with habits – the effect comes over time. But it will come, big time. It’s about putting in a daily effort – sometimes small, sometimes bigger. The most important thing is to do it. But even if you do miss a day or two, that isn’t the end of it. Just get back up on that horse again. And again. And again.
First let me just explain the basics for how a habit routine works so we know how to set this up. Or well, let’s borrow a snapshot from one of Improvement Pill’s videos:
The two videos from the course to give you be most important understanding are these two (the image is ‘borrowed’ from the first one, I don’t own any rights):
How Do Habits REALLY Work? (THE TRUTH) – https://youtu.be/b2njoDynrSY (This is the video that is partly included in my video)
So, let’s get to the three small little habits I’ve implemented in my life lately, and really has improved my social life and helped me develop better social skills. The great thing with this is that you get better and better at it as you get going, and by that wanting to socialize more as you have an easier time connecting with people.
For all the habits, we put up a ‘minimum bar’ for what’s required to accomplish the habit. I set the bare minimum as ‘accomplished’ when I start implementing a habit, because in most cases I usually end up doing way more then I was on the mood for. It’s the power of getting started in practice, and the most important thing is to close the habit loop daily.
The habits are (and described in greater detail in the video):
#1 – Habit: Talking to cashier staff
Cue: Facing the cashier
Routine: Every time you stand in front of cashier personnel/staff, ask how they are doing, and genuinely be interested in what they say. Practice small talk.
Reward: Social connection / sense of proudness for doing something uncomfortable (BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM)
Minimum bar: asking how they are doing
Examples from my challenges: How a single ‘how are you’ question can transform so something much bigger.
Trying to get at Date: Flirting with The Cashier – Facing Social Fears
#2 – Habit: Saying hi/hello to random people you pass
Cue: Choose a specific daily stroll you have, for me it’s when I walk/run home from work. The Que is when I step of the train.
Routine: Before passing them, try get eye contact and then say hello/hi. You can choose to do this to all the people that are carrying some clothes with a specific colour, or any other random feature. I DO this to the girls I think are cute.
Reward: sense of proudness for doing something uncomfortable (BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM). Bonus: sometimes a smile or a conversation = social connection )
Minimum bar: one hello
Examples from my challenges:
Level 1: Saying hello to every person I passed on my run home (when you run the uncomfortable moment passes quicker): https://youtu.be/wPsc5pWpyiw
Level 4: I did a week of striking up a conversation every time I was waiting with my bike at a crossing for the light to turn green: https://youtu.be/uZ3MmNhzR5U
#3 – Habit: Express your sense of humour in a social context
Cue: Sitting down for a specified social moment, lunch/coffee time etc.
Routine: During one of your daily social meals/coffee moments, say something you think is funny. Not only is this a great way to practice social skills, but it’s great habit for learning how to not care what people think of you and express who you really are. If you think something is funny, say that. This is a bit tougher habit and requires some practice.
Reward: Social connection / Sense of proudness for expressing who you really are
Minimum bar: express one thing that you think is funny
For all the habits, we put up a minimum bar for what’s required to accomplish the habit. I set the bare minimum as ‘accomplished’ when I start implementing a habit, because in most cases I usually end up doing way more then I was on the mood for. It’s the power of getting started in practice, and the most important thing is to close the habit loop daily.
The challenge of the week:
Implement one social-skill-development habit, chose one out of the three. Or if you have one of your own in mind – choose that. Sit down and think about how you can implement it so it suits your life and context. What should be your que? If you listen to the videos, he says it’s preferable to have a ‘real’ reward, like getting to eat after training, getting to watch something funny, some free time, etc. For me the sense of proudness and growing self-esteem is so vivid and clear, that it works for me. But have this in mind, and remember to always have the same que, routine and reward to make the brain see the connection and start to automate the behaviour.
Personally, I’m going to look trough the video course and look over and refine not on ly these three habits, but all my habits I put up this year.
So that’s it, that’s all. I wish you the best of luck, and love to hear what social skill habit you choose!
The world just had to put me to the test today. I guess I had it coming when I posted yesterday’s blog post, perhaps making me come of like not being annoyed or frustrated about anything, and condemning people who are. None of those two things are neither true or what I intended to do. As I said then, once and a while I too complain over those things that in ‘my book’ shouldn’t be wasted precious energy on.
