It’s time for week 9 of Rejection Therapy to build Self-esteem – exposing ourselves to situations, with a specific question or request in mind, that most likely will get us rejected! We do this to desensitize ourselves from the fear of getting turned down- imprinting the association in our brains that a NO will only make us stronger! But also, building self-esteem by designing these challenges so they align with your values believes and GOAS – going after the things you want in life!
This week is a little bit special, because I’ve chosen to focus all my rejection therapy challenges in one life are: RELEATIONSHIPS – Girls, that is. I need to give this area more attention, and one of things I’ve learnt the last year is that if you want something, you give that one thing all your attention.
So what does that mean for you? Well, either you do as me and focus in the challenges on one area you need/want to develop, like social skills, or you just do five random challenges as the previous weeks!
The Objectives:
– 5 Rejection Therapy Challenges throughout the week!
The Rules:
1# The request’s/question’s need to align with your goals, values or beliefs! if you go out and do something just to get rejected, but it interferes with your moral or what you believe in, it will decrease your self-esteem.
2# That means you’re not allowed to lie! Own the situation; rather tell the exact reason for why you’re doing what you’re doing, then try to manipulate your way to a yes.
Some tips along the way:
Plan what you are going to do and say – or at least have the overall gameplay outlined! Unclarity will be a reason to hesitate when you are about to do what you are going to do – that’s my own experience!
Don’t let time play with you psyche, the longer you wait with the approach, the worse it’s going to get. JUST DO IT!
Remember, that no matter how shitty you feel before you do it, the reward that awaits you on the other side, will greatly make up for that!
The practice of Living Consciously – Weekly Challenge #64
In this video my goal is to explain what Consciousness is and why it is the most important thing you can do to grow your Self-Esteem – but also why a high level of consciousness and Self-esteem is so incredibly important if you truly want to live a great life.
“Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.”
All this material is based on the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden, and the six pillars of Self-esteem are:
The Practice of Living Consciously
The Practice of Self-Acceptance
The Practice of Self-Responsibility
The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
The Practice of Living Purposefully
The Practice of Personal Integrity
What is Self-Esteem?
“Self-esteem, fully realized, is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life. More specifically, self-esteem is:
confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and .
confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and enjoy the fruits of our efforts. (1995, Branden, p. 4)
To sum up in a formal definition:
Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.” (1995, Branden, p. 7)
Or the more condensed spin to it that I refer to in the video:
“What determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does.”
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: Pillar one – The practice of living consciously – Extracts from the book
“To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values, and goals-to the best of our ability, whatever that ability may ~and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know.” (1995, Branden, p. 69)
“Why is consciousness so important? Because for all species that possess it, consciousness is the basic tool of survival-the ability to be aware of the environment in some form, at some level, and to guide action accordingly. I use consciousness here in its primary meaning: the state of being conscious or aware of some aspect of reality. We also may speak of consciousness as a faculty-the attribute of being able to be aware. To the distinctively human form of consciousness, with its capacity for concept formation and abstract thought, we give the name mind. As we have discussed, we are beings for whom consciousness (at the conceptual level) is volitional. This means that the design of our nature contains an extraordinary option-that of seeking awareness or not bothering (or actively avoiding it), seeking truth or not bothering (or actively avoiding it), focusing our mind or not bothering (or choosing to drop to a lower level of consciousness). In other words, we have the option of exercising our powers or of subverting our means of survival and well-being. This capacity for self-management is our glory and, at times, our burden. Our mind is our basic tool of survival. Betray it and self-esteem suffers.
If we do not bring an appropriate level of consciousness to our activities, if we do not live mindfully, the inevitable penalty is a diminished sense of self-efficacy and self-respect. We cannot feel competent and worthy while conducting our lives in a mental fog. Our mind is our basic tool of survival. Betray it and self-esteem suffers. The simplest form of this betrayal is the evasion of discomfiting facts. (1995, Branden, p. 67-68)
“The Specifics of living Consciously Living consciously entails:
A mind that is active rather than passive.
An intelligence that takes joy in its own function.
Being “in the moment,” without losing the wider context.
Reaching out toward relevant facts rather than withdrawing from them.
Being concerned to distinguish among facts, interpretations, and emotions.
Noticing and confronting my impulses to avoid or deny painful or threatening realities.
Being concerned to know “where I am” relative to my various (personal and professional) goals and projects, and whether I am succeeding or failing.
Being concerned to know if my actions are in alignment with my purposes.
Searching for feedback from the environment so as to adjust or correct my course when necessary.
Persevering in the attempt to understand in spite of difficulties.
Being receptive to new knowledge and willing to reexamine old assumptions.
Being willing to see and correct mistakes.
Seeking always to expand awareness-a commitment to learning therefore, a commitment to growth as a way of life.
A concern to understand the world around me.
A concern to know not only external reality but also internal reality, the reality of my needs, feelings, aspirations, and motives, so that I am not a stranger or a mystery to myself.
A concern to be aware of the values that move and guide me, as well as their roots, so that I am not ruled by values I have irrationally adopted or uncritically accepted from others.”
(Branden, p.72)
The Objectives:
#1 – Raising your level of consciousness
Set the alarm on your phone, 5 times a day, for instance 10, 12, 14, 16, 18 as a minimum ( I do it every our every time my watch beeps ). What are you experiencing right now, how are you feeling, what emotions and thoughts are within you; good, bad, sad, enthusiastic, loneliness, hunger – and why? Is it something subconsciously that happened a while back or is what is happening in front of you at this moment that is affecting your current state. Writing a journal where you can reflect and reason with your self is SUCH A GREAT TOOL for your personal development – I can’t stress enough the power that lies within it.
Finding 10 minutes a day to practice meditation. Just sitting down, closing your eyes and trying to be aware. This link will get you striagh to a very nice Meditation For Beginners guide by Leo Gura ( really recommend it) https://youtu.be/fXmG1x1ih1U?t=5m14s
The following is a transcript from this video:
“this is called the no manipulation technique. so try right now sit there. as you’re sitting don’t try to put yourself into some sort of meditative position or posture any posture position you take is fine and just sit and notice and be aware, just observe and watch, all these words like aware, be observant ,watch, notice these are all synonymous so just sit there and notice what’s happening right this very second in direct experience. right this moment, not a minute before, not ten minutes later, not what I’m going to say next right now. so you’re hearing the sound of my voice maybe you’re, you’re looking at me if you’re watching this on video and you’re feeling some emotions in your body… thoughts might be coming up for you so do this right now and just train your mind on that and try to stick with it no manipulation means that you don’t manipulate your body or your posture, you just let it go natural and whatever it wants to do let it do it this includes your mind. so let your mind go natural – so if your mind wants to think perverted thoughts, let it think pretty thoughts and if it wants to judge let it judge and if it wants to go crazy and get angry and upset and all this let it do that and if it wants to experience some emotion like sadness or happiness or excitement or frustration let it experience that emotion Whatever is occurring for you. Don’t try to experience anything because you already are experiencing. there’s never a moment when you’re not experiencing unless maybe when you’re deep asleep, but if you’re awake then there’s never a moment you don’t have an experience, so that’s it your meditation is focused on that this right now this right now experience right here okay. so do it do it right now while I’m talking you don’t need to be in a quiet environment to meditate you don’t need to sit alone by yourself, I mean it helps, that’s a good place to start. especially if you’re a beginner but you can do it right now is I’m talking. notice that you don’t need a fancy position you don’t need to manipulate your breathing. that’s it. that’s the whole method”
Thirdly, if it’s not too much, do the sentence completion exercise as described from the book:
“Living consciously to me means –
Then, as rapidly as possible, without pausing for reflection, write as many endings for that sentence as you can in two or three minutes (never fewer than six, but ten is enough). Do not worry if your endings are literally true, make sense, or are “profound.” Write anything, but write something.
Then, go on to the next stem: If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities today-
(Why only 5 percent? Let us proceed in small, nonintimidating, “bitesizechews.” Besides, most of the time 5 percent is plenty!)
Then: If I pay more attention to how· I deal with people today-
Then: If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my most important relationships-
Then: If I bring 5 percent more awareness to (fill in a particular problem you are concerned about-for example, your relationship with someone, or a barrier you’ve hit at work, or your feelings of anxiety or depression) –
When you are finished, proceed with your day’s business. At the end of the day, as your last task before dinner, do six to ten endings each for the following stems:
When I reflect on how I would feel if I lived more consciously-
When I reflect what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities-
When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to my most important relationships-
When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to (whatever you’ve filled in)-
Do this exercise every day, Monday through Friday for the first week. Do not read what you wrote the day before. Naturally there will be many repetitions. But also, new endings will inevitably occur. You are energizing all of your psyche to work for you.
Sometime each weekend, reread what you have written for the week, and then write a minimum of six endings for this stem:
If any of what I wrote this week is true, it would be helpful if 1-
In doing this work, the ideal is to empty your mind of any expectations concerning what will happen or what is “supposed” to happen. Do not impose any demands on the situation. Try to empty your mind of expectations.
Do the exercise, go about your day’s activities, and merely notice any differences in how you feel or how you operate. You will discover that you have set in motion forces that make it virtually impossible foryou to avoid operating more consciously.”
( The Six Pillars of self-esteem, p.85, Nathaniel Branden)
That is it for this week’s challenge – good luck and commit to me in the comments if you plan to do it – it will give you an extra push to follow through when motivation is lacking!
It’s time for week 8 of Rejection Therapy to build Self-esteem – exposing ourselves to situations, with a specific question or request in mind, that most likely will get us rejected! We do this to desensitize ourselves from the fear of getting turned down- imprinting the association in our brains that a NO will only make us stronger! But also, building self-esteem by designing these challenges to they align with your values believes and GOAS – going after the things you want in life! So the Objectives are:
– 5 Rejection Therapy Challenges, one each day, Monday through Friday
The Rules:
1# The requests/questions need to align with your goals, values and beliefs, if you go out and do something just to get rejected, but it interferes with your moral code or what you believe in, it will decrease your self-esteem! (read the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem or watch my other videos on this topic)
2# This also means you’re not allowed to lie! Own the situation; rather tell the exact reason for why you’re doing what you’re doing, than try to manipulate your way to a yes. It’s cheating!
Some tips along the way:
Plan what you are going to do and say; unclarity will make you more likely to hesitate and talk yourself out of it.
Don’t let time play with you psyche, the longer you wait with the approach, the worse it’s going to get. At least in the beginning when you are starting out, eventually you want to reach a state where you can be present with the fear. But especially when starting out – JUST DO IT!
Remember, that no matter how shitty you feel before you do it, the reward that awaits you on the other side, will greatly make up for that! Some days will be great and some day will be pure crap. It’s very contextual, and how you look after yourself on a basic level will for sure affect your results; sleep deprived, blood sugar dip, clouded mind, etc. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
Watch my first 7 weeks of Rejection Therapy Challenges:
How to Build Self-Esteem – Practicing The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem & Pitfalls – Weekly Challenge #62
Now as stated throughout this process – we constantly have been talking about the six pillars of Self-Esteem, yet there is a seventh semi-pillar that Nathaniel Branden closes his book with. What is this seventh pillar you might ask? Even though it’s not explicitly stated, it’s about the complete integration of the six pillars. What dangerous and traps that stand between us and living and growing a true self-esteem.
Now in this last – very short 2,5 pagers long – chapter Branden talks about finding that Hero within and makes sure to – at least – on an overall level see to that the “right” actions we take outnumber the “wrong” ones. But before addressing that, I’m briefly going to remind you of the definition of self-esteem and the six pillars that facilitate growth of it:
“Self-esteem, fully realized, is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life. More specifically, self-esteem is:
confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and .
confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and enjoy the fruits of our efforts. (1995, Branden, p. 4)
To sum up in a formal definition:
Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.” (1995, Branden, p. 7)
THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM ARE:
The Practice of Living Consciously
The Practice of Self-Acceptance
The Practice of Self-Responsibility
The Practice of Self-Assertiveness
The Practice of Living Purposefully
The Practice of Personal Integrity
So again, being your own hero- what does that mean? Basically, it’s about choosing the right path in life, even though it is a path that requires way more effort and action in comparison to the path of least resistance. To be conscious, requires an active choice not to let external sources capitate/highjack your consciousness.
“It means a willingness-and a will-to live the six practices when to do so may not be easy” (1995, Branden, p.4)
The thing is, this is always easy in theory, but when we’re are standing there facing the action of choosing action, it’s not so easy anymore. Because one thing all the six pillars have in common – is the requirement of active action – “The six pillars all entail choice”. Which in contrast mean that passivity results in opposite effect of what we seek – a higher self-esteem.
Relaxing in the bed or sofa for a couple of hours? I’d call that laziness.
This brings us to the first of the two enemies of Self-esteem – LAZINESS;
“Laziness” is not a term we ordinarily encounter in books on psychology. And yet, is anyone unaware that sometimes we fail ourselves for no reason other than the disinclination to generate the effort of an appropriate response? (In 1be Psychology of Self-Esteem, I called this phenomenon “antieffort.”) Sometimes, of course, laziness is abetted by fatigue; but not necessarily. Sometimes we are just lazy; meaning we do not challenge inertia, we do not choose to awaken.” (1995, Branden, p. 303)
The second Enemy of Self-Esteem is the fear of PAIN;
“The other dragon we may need to slay is the impulse to avoid discomfort. Living consciously may obligate us to confront our fears; it may bring us into contact with unresolved pain. Self-acceptance may require that
we make real to ourselves thoughts, feelings, or actions that disturb our equilibrium; it may shake up our “official” self-concept. Self-responsibility obliges us to face our ultimate aloneness; it demands that we relinquish fantasies of a rescuer. Self-assertiveness entails the courage to be authentic, with no guarantee of how others will respond; it means that we risk being ourselves. Living purposefully pulls us out of passivity
into the demanding life of high focus; it requires that we be self-generators. Living with integrity demands that we choose our values and stand by them, whether this is pleasant and whether others share our convictions; there are times when it demands hard choices. Taking the long view, it is easy to see that high-self-esteem people are happier than low-self-esteem people. Self-esteem is the best predictor of happiness we have. But in the short term, self-esteem requires the willingness to endure discomfort when that is what one’s spiritual growth entails.” (1995, Branden, p. 303)
In practice, this all translates to us not taking the appropriate action to build self-esteem as that not often is a path that entails pain or discomfort. Standing up for one’s values and believes may mean opposing someone’s else’s, which can be tuff for a person that are used to always please everybody. Every time we take an active action in the directions that the six pillars speaks of, we build self-esteem. Hence, this explain the tremendous power in the Rejection Therapy challenges, I’ve been doing in parallel of going through these pillars. Constantly doing things that aligns with our believes values and goals, pushing ourselves to what is uncomfortable, and then reap the reward of that. The feeling of doing what you know is right for you, and that sweet adrenaline rush as an instant reward, creating that t habit loop of a repetitive behaviour imprinted in your brain – resulting in a higher self-esteem.
How we act when we are passive – a state that most persons live life by:
“First, we avoid what we need to look at because we do not want to feel pain. Then our avoidance produces further problems for us, which we also do not want to look at because they evoke pain. Then the new avoidance produces additional problems we do not care to examine-and so on. Layer of avoidance is piled on layer of avoidance, disowned pain on disowned pain.” (1995, Branden, p. 303)
How we should act to promote healthy Self-Esteem:
“First, we decide that our self-esteem and our happiness matter more than short–term discomfort or pain. We take baby steps at being more conscious, self-accepting, responsible, and so on. We notice that when we do this we like ourselves more. This inspires us to push on and attempt to go farther. We become more truthful with ourselves and others. Self-esteem rises. We take on harder assignments. We feel a little tougher, a little more resourceful. It becomes easier to confront discomfiting emotions and threatening situations; we feel we have more assets with which to cope. We become more self-assertive. We feel stronger. We are building the spiritual equivalent of a muscle. Experiencing ourselves as more powerful, we see difficulties in more realistic perspective. We may never be entirely free of fear or pain, but they have lessened immeasurably, and we are not intimidated by them. Integrity feels less threatening and more natural.” (1995, Branden, p. 303-304)
Branden speaks of taking this path, but doing so in a manner that entails as little pain or struggle as possible, but still reaching the same outcome. He emphasis that this pain doesn’t have any value on its own, if it can be avoided – avoid it. You can peele the skin of an apple with your nails, yet the same result can be achieved with a peeler within a fraction of the time and effort required by using your hands. We must be smart about our strategies to build self-esteem, and we must adopt a mindset that facilitates our reactions, thoughts and emotions as a result of our actions.
“…doing what is difficult but necessary need not be “a big thing.” We do not have to catastrophize fear or discomfort. We can accept them as part of life, face them and deal with them as best we can, and keep moving in the direction of our best possibilities.
But always, will is needed. Perseverance is needed. Courage is needed. The energy for this commitment can only come from the love we have for our own life. This love is the beginning of virtue. It is the launching pad for our highest and noblest aspirations. It is the motive power that drives the six pillars. It is the seventh pillar of self-esteem” (1995, Branden, p.304)
The Objectives:
#1- Integrate all the practices, now if this is your first ever contact with this book, I recommend you to start with the first pillar ( link the the first video I did here: https://youtu.be/HUBNby50D4M ). Or you can try to take in the intuitive meaning of these pillars, think about what they mean and apply and practice that. Because the overall focus of the week is be aware of the enemies of self-esteem LAIZNESS and avoidance of PAIN, by actively being observant ( PILLAR OF LIVING CONSIOYSSLUY ) and act against them, taking the appropriate action and daring to face those fears! That is the main challenge of this week. If you want to listen to the audiobook, link here: https://youtu.be/mfFUVnwCNVY . It’s a bit shorter compared to the textbook, but still gives you what you need to hear!
#2 – Also, I want you to go through a little exercise to motivate you to really build that self-esteem, when something requires prolonged action, it’s a necessity that we are firmly grounded in our reasons for why we are actually doing something. As Brandon said “But always, will is needed. Perseverance is needed. Courage is needed. The energy for this commitment can only come from the love we have for our own life.” And it’s a good practice to go through why you have a love for your own life, and why you owe it to yourself to develop your self-esteem to a new level. That is what will give you that will, perseverance and courage when times are tuff. When pain is present.
TONY – If you want change, you have to associate more pleasure than pain to doing it. Here’s Tony’s Recipe for long-term change:
Write down as many reasons as possible (5-10) for each of these:
Why you must Change:
Why you can change:
Create 10 positive associations that change will bring
The third step intentionally skipped: Coming up with a few Interrupting patterns, here’s a link to Tony himself explaining the process if you want the step explained as well: https://youtu.be/YpY5FO5qoNo?t=2h8m52s
#3 – Thirdly, if it’s not too much, I’m going to be doing sentence completion exercise, as previously described, to focus in on the pillars. This week I’ll be having six stem sentence pillars, one for every pillar, to finish every morning and evening;
“When working with sentence completion on your own, you can use a notebook, typewriter, or computer. (An acceptable alternative is to do the sentence completions into a tape recorder, in which case you keep repeating the stem into a recorder, each time completing it with a difference ending, and pliy the work back later to reflect on it.)
First thing in the morning, before proceeding to the day’s business, sit and write the following stem:
If I bring more awareness to my life today-
Then, as rapidly as possible, without pausing for reflection, write as many endings for that sentence as you can in two or three minutes (never fewer than six and ten is enough).
Do not worry if your endings are literally true, or make sense, or are “profound.” Write anything, but write something. “ (1995, Branden, p. 309-310)
The sentences:
If I bring more awareness to my life today-
Self-acceptance to me means-
Self-responsibility to me means-
Self-assertiveness to me means-
So that is it! I wish you good luck, don’t miss out on the vlog during the week!
Time for week 7 of Rejection Therapy to build Self-esteem – exposing ourselves to situations, with a specific request or question in mind, that most likely will get us rejected! We do this to desensitize ourselves from fear of getting turned down, taking a no! But also, building self-esteem by going after the things we want in life – doing what we truly want! Because everything that comes out of YOUR mouth, should be something you can stand for, something that aligns with your beliefs, values and goals!
Rejection Therapy – How to Build Self-Esteem & Overcome your Fears – Weekly Challenge #61 – LOVE YOUR GROWTH AND EMBRACE FAILURE!
Watch my first 6 weeks of Rejection Therapy I’ve done so far:
Playlist to my Rejection Therapy Challenges videos:
Week 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxEVmwWsaHw
Week 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUTocnY8Mxs
Week 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anw0keWIf-8
Week 4: https://youtu.be/GFHK7O5DrxI?list=PLxw2jMXwRfskSFEl6sI9PzjgMUBZogiGG
Week 5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od3M1x6UDCs&list=PLxw2jMXwRfsmwkP3SvSSK7cegXB4eutFg
Week 6: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aGxvi5qw1A&list=PLxw2jMXwRfskKqy6INIjOFJDJI8_jPAE1
The Objectives:
– 5 Rejection Therapy Challenges throughout the week!
The Rules:
1# The request’s/question’s need to align with your goals/beliefs, if you go out and do something just to get rejected, but it interferes with your moral or what you believe in, it will decrease your self-esteem.
2# That means you’re not allowed to lie! Own the situation; rather tell the exact reason for why you’re doing what you’re doing, then try to manipulate your way to a yes.
Some tips along the way:
· Plan out what you are going to do and say; unclarity will be a reason to hesitate when you are about to do what you are going to do – that’s my own experience!
· Don’t let time play with you psyche, the longer you wait with the approach, the worse it’s going to get. JUST DO IT!
· Remember, that no matter how shitty you feel before you do it, the reward that awaits you on the other side, will greatly make up for that!
A playlists with some videos on Rejection Therapy:
Jia Jiang’s 100 days of Rejection Therapy ( The guy who inspired me to start)
Posting schedule:
SUNDAYS: New Weekly Personal Development Challenge
WEEK DAYS: Depending on the challenge, but at least one Video/Vlog at the Wednesdays
FRIDAY: Evaluation of Week Challenge
Why put in such an effort to grow every day? Because it’s so got damn fun and brings a purpose to life that is hard to beat.
This week’s challenge is all about Building Self-Esteem through the lense of PERSONAL INTEGRITY. It is the sixth pillar from the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem writen by Nathaniel Branden. Every other week I do Rejection Therapy Challenges and in between I go all in on the theoretical part of how to go about building Self-Esteem.
“Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs—and behavior. When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, when ideals and practice match up, we have integrity.
Observe that before the issue of integrity can even be raised we need principles of behavior—moral convictions about what is and is not appropriate—judgments about right and wrong action. If we do not yet hold standards, we are on too low a developmental rung even to be accused of hypocrisy. In such a case, our problems are too severe to be described merely as lack of integrity.”
“The practice of personal integrity. It’s the sixth and final pillar of self-esteem. Without it, the preceding practices “disintegrate.”
(Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, 1995)
WHAT DO DO WHEN YOU’VE ACTED IN A BAD WAY:
”Let us think about guilt and how it can be resolved in situations where we are personally responsible. Generally speaking, five steps are needed to restore one’s sense of integrity with regard to a particular breach.”
We must own the fact that it is we who have taken the particular action. We must face and accept the full reality of what we have done, without disowning or avoidance. We own, we accept, we take responsibility.
We seek to understand why we did what we did. We do this compassionately (as discussed under the practice of self-acceptance), but without evasive alibiing.
If others are involved, as they often are, we acknowledge explicitly to the relevant person or persons the harm we have done. We convey our understanding of the consequences of our behavior. We acknowledge how they have been affected by us. We convey understanding of their feelings.
We take any and all actions available that might make amends for or minimize the harm we have done.
We firmly commit ourselves to behaving differently in the future .
Besides the obvious of focusing in on trying to be true to your inner self, and acting in congruence with your moral, values and believes, you should do the following sentence exercise morning and evening, Monday through Friday. Also, try practicing meditation along with the daily awareness/mindfulness Lastly, for me it is absolutely key to journal throughout the week so I can reflect and analyse concerning the focus area at hand.
“Sentence Completions to Facilitate the Practice of Integrity
If we examine our lives, we may notice that our practice of integrity exhibits inconsistencies. There are areas here we practice it more and areas where we practice it less. Rather than evade this fact, it is useful to explore it. It is worthwhile to consider: What stands in the way of my practicing integrity in every area of my life? What would happen if I lived my values consistently?
Here are sentence stems that can aid the process of exploration:
Integrity to me means-
If I think about the areas where I find it difficult to practice full integrity-
If I bring a higher level of consciousness to the areas where I find it difficult to practice full integrity-
If I bring 5 percent more integrity into my life-
If I bring 5 percent more integrity to my work-
If I bring 5 percent more integrity to my relationships-
If I remain loyal to the values I truly believe are right-
If I refuse to live by values I do not respect-
If I treat my self-esteem as a high priority-
A suggestion: Work with the first four of these stems for the first week, and the second four the following week.
On the weekends work with the stem: If any of what I am writing is true, it might be helpful if I-.
If you choose to bring a high level of awareness to what you produce, you may discover that living with greater integrity has become more realizable.”
(Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, p. 148-149)
Watch my first 5 weeks of Rejection Therapy I’ve done so far; playlist links below:
In this video I’ll go through the basics concept for why purposeful living is tremendously important. We look at it from the perspective of building self-esteem, as that is the overall long-term goal. That means The Six pillars of self-esteem is what are the basis for most of the thoughts expressed in the video.
So, can you start with this pillar? Sure you can to get going but, because you’re not starting at zero. So of course, will you improve your self-esteem id if you do this challenge. But all I can say is that if you want to make a true self-esteem building journey, you can’t stress it and every pillar needs its attention. Take the time to go through one pillar each week, as that is what I’ve done and I can vouch for the result of doing so – it will transform your life. So please join me this week, even if this is your first meeting with me or with this book.
In the video I’m not going to go through all the details from the book, instead I focus in on what I made out the core message from this pillar to be. That is; having a clear purpose and direction in life, and making sure that you are working in an effective way to take you there; to have a vison broken down to smaller more attainable goals and to regular evaluate yourself to make sure you are progressing in an effective manner; course correcting and tweaking if necessary.
But, if you want some more details from the book, the following text presents my favourite passages from the chapter The Practice of Living Purposefully in the book The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem (1995, P. 129-142 ).
“Living purposefully is a fundamental orientation that applies to every aspect of our existence. It means that we live and act by intention. It is a distinguishing characteristic of those who enjoy a high level of control over their life.”
“To live purposefully is to use our powers for the attainment of goals we have selected: the goal of studying, of raising a family, of earning a living, of starting a new business, of bringing a new product into the marketplace, of solving a scientific problem, of building a vacation home, of sustaining a happy romantic relationship. It is our goals that lead us forward, that call on the exercise of our faculties, that energize our existence.”
“What living Purposefully Entails as a way of operating in the world, the practice of living purposefully entails the following core issues. Taking responsibility for formulating one’s goals and purposes consciously. Being concerned to identify the actions necessary to achieve one’s goals. Monitoring behaviour to check that it is in alignment with one’s goals. Paying attention to the outcomes of one’s actions, to know whether they are leading where one wants to go.”
“To observe that the practice of living purposefully is essential to fully realized self-esteem should not be understood to mean that the measure of an individual’s worth is his or her external achievements. We sadmire achievements-in others and in ourselves-and it is natural and appropriate for us to do so. But this is not the same thing as saying that our achievements are the measure or grounds of our self-esteem. The root of our self-esteem is not our achievements but those internally generated practices that, among other things, make it possible for us to achieve–all the self-esteem virtues we are discussing here.”
“To live purposefully is to use our powers for the attainment of goals we have selected”
Productivity & Purpose
“To live purposefully is, among other things, to live productively, which is a necessity of making ourselves competent to life. Productivity is the act of supporting our existence by translating ‘our thoughts into reality, of setting our goals and working for their achievement, of bringing knowledge, goods, or services into existence.”
“Nor is it the kind of work selected that is important, provided the work is not intrinsically antilife, but whether a person seeks work that offers an outlet for his or her intelligence, if the opportunity to do so exists.”
“Purposeful men and women set productive goals commensurate with their abilities, or try to. One of the ways their self-concept reveals itself is in the kind of purposes they set. Granted some deciphering may be necessary because of the complexities of private contexts, if we know the kind of goals people choose, we can know a good deal about their vision of themselves and about what they think is possible and appropriate to them.”
Efficacy and Purpose
“It is easier for people to understand these ideas as applied to work than to personal relationships. That may be why more people make a success of their work life than of their marriages.”
“The purposes that move us need to be specific if they are to be realized. I cannot organize my behavior optimally if my goal is merely “to do my best.” The assignment is too vague. My goal needs to be: to exercise on the treadmill for thirty minutes four times a week; to complete my (precisely defined) task within ten days; to communicate to my team at our next meeting exactly what the project requires; to earn a specific sum of money in commissions by the end of the year; to achieve a specific market niche by a specific means by a specific target date. With such specificity, I am able to monitor my progress, compare intentions with results, modify my strategy or my tactics in response to new information, and be accountable for the results I produce.
To live purposefully is to be concerned with these questions: What am I trying to achieve? How am I trying to achieve it? Why do I think these means are appropriate? Does the feedback from the environment convey that I am succeeding or failing? Is there new information that I need to consider? Do I need to make adjustments in my course, or in my strategy, or in my practices? Do my goals and purposes need to be rethought? Thus, to live purposefully means to live at a high level of consciousness.”
Self-Discipline
“To live purposefully and productively requires that we cultivate within ourselves a capacity for self-discipline. Self-discipline is the ability to organize our behavior over time in the service of specific tasks. No one can feel competent to cope with the challenges of life who is without the capacity for self-discipline. Self-discipline requires the ability to defer immediate gratification in the service of a remote goal. This is the ability to project consequences into the future-to think, plan, and live long-range. Neither an individual nor a business can function effectively, let alone flourish, in the absence of this practice.”
“Taking responsibility for formulating one’s goals and purposes consciously. If we are to be in control of our own life, we need to know what we want and where we wish to go. We need to be concerned with such questions as: What do I want for myself in five, ten, twenty years? What do I want my life to add up to? What do I want to accomplish professionally? What do I want in the area of personal relationships? If I wish to marry, why? What is my purpose?“
“Being concerned to identify the actions necessary to achieve ones Goals”
“Monitoring behavior to check that it is in alignment with one’s goals”
“Paying attention to the outcomes of one’s actions, to know whether they are leading where one wants to go.”
“The root of our self-esteem is not our achievements but those internally generated practices that, among other things, make it possible for us to achieve.”
The objectives:
OBJECTIVE#1 – Sentence completion exercise
o These are meant to be done, morning and evening, writing at least 6 sentences per stem-sentence, choose at least 4 sentences to complete morning and evening. You may feel some resistance to do it (that has been my own experience from the previous pillars) but every time it has awaken a focus and an awareness around the topic which has followed me throughout the days. So just find a time and a place when you decide to do this, it won’t happen if you don’t plan and schedule it. For me the train commute to/from work or the bike warm up on the gym has been the time and place for it to happen.
Sentence-Completions to Facilitate Living Purposefully
“Here are some stems that my clients find helpful in deepening their understanding of the ideas we have been discussing.
Living purposefully to me means-
If I bring 5 percent more purposefulness to my life today-
If I operate with 5 percent more purposefulness at work-
If I am 5 percent more purposeful in my communications-
If I bring 5 percent more purposefulness to my relationships at work-
If I operate 5 percent more purposefully in my marriage-
If I operate 5 percent more purposefully with my children-
If I operate 5 percent more purposefully with my friends-
If I am 5 percent more purposeful about my deepest yearnings-
If I am 5 percent more purposeful about taking care of my needs
If I took more responsibility for fulfilling my wants-
If any of what I have been writing is true, it might be helpful if I-“
– P.143, Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.
OBJECTIVE#2 – Goalsetting
Sit down and try to find one area to start focusing in on, too much at once and you’ll get overwhelmed. Actually it is a big topic, and I’ve done extensive weekly challenges on this topic before. But so for this week, just find one area and start there! For instance, give your health some attention, “I’m going to do at least 30 min of walking or any kind of movement every day”
OBJECTIVE#3 Working productively (establishing habits)
OBJECTIVE#4 – DO A WEEKL REVIEW
OBJECTIVE#5 – Track your week in a journal – log, reflect and empty your mind
Link to full audiobook, it’ll start where this chapter starts: https://youtu.be/mfFUVnwCNVY?t=1h54m14s
My Rejection Therapy Challenges:
Week 5:
Ask Random People for Spanish Phrases – https://youtu.be/SMGvpFH6nHA
Cold approaching and flirting with random girls Part 1 – https://youtu.be/32Z7AI4l0dY
Approach a Girl and ask for a Date Part 2 – https://youtu.be/32Z7AI4l0dY
Approach a Girl and ask for a Date Part 3 – https://youtu.be/xB9gjwOfEaI
Asking Swedish Girls what they look for in a Guy – https://youtu.be/54OHSqgWLZs
My other Rejection Therapy Challenges:
Week 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxEVmwWsaHw
Week 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUTocnY8Mxs
Week 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anw0keWIf-8
Week 4: https://youtu.be/GFHK7O5DrxI?list=PLxw2jMXwRfskSFEl6sI9PzjgMUBZogiGG
Music in this episode:
“Acoustic guitar arrangement for song 3” and “Acoustic guitar arrangement for song 2” by TRow is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
License: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Source: https://soundcloud.com/megatrev/acoustic-arrangement-for-song-3
Time for week 5 of Rejection Therapy to build Self-esteem – exposing ourselves to situations, with a specific request or question in mind, that most likely will get us rejected! We do this to desensitize ourselves from fear of getting turned down, taking a no! But also, building self-esteem by going after the things we want in life – doing what we truly want! Because everything that comes out of YOUR mouth, should be something you can stand for, something that aligns with your beliefs, values and goals!
– LOVE YOUR GROWTH AND EMBRACE FAILURE!
Watch my first 4 weeks of Rejection Therapy I’ve done so far:
Playlist to my Rejection Therapy Challenges videos:
The Objectives are:
· 5 Rejection Therapy Challenges throughout the week!
The Rules:
1# The request’s/question’s need to align with your goals/beliefs, if you go out and do something just to get rejected, but it interferes with your moral or what you believe in, it will decrease your self-esteem.
2# That means you’re not allowed to lie! Own the situation; rather tell the exact reason for why you’re doing what you’re doing, then try to manipulate your way to a yes.
Some tips along the way:
· Plan out what you are going to do and say; unclarity will be a reason to hesitate when you are about to do what you are going to do – that’s my own experience!
· Don’t let time play with you psyche, the longer you wait with the approach, the worse it’s going to get. JUST DO IT!
· Remember, that no matter how shitty you feel before you do it, the reward that awaits you on the other side, will greatly make up for that!
I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK!
IF you want to hear me talk more about rejection theraphy, watch my other introductionary videos for every week of rejection therapy I’ve done:
Music:
Golden Ocean – Free Positive Guitar Background Music by Nicolai Heidlas Music is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
Source: Nicolai Heidlas Music
This week’s personal development challenge throws us in to the fourth pillar of Self-Esteem: The Practice of Self-Assertiveness – from the Book The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem By Nathaniel Branden. That means we are all about standing up for ourselves;
“Self-assertiveness means honoring my wants, needs, and values and
seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality…
… Self-assertion does not mean belligerence or inappropriate aggressiveness; it does not mean pushing to the front of the line or knocking other people over; it does not mean upholding my own rights while being blind or indifferent to everyone else’s. It simply means the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters. It means the refusal to fake my person to be liked.”
(Branden, 1995, p.118)
——————————————
How to build Self-Esteem – The practice of Self-assertiveness (The six pillars of self-esteem)
Link to the full audiobook – The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem By Nathaniel Branden
( You’ll start right where this chapter begins) :
——————————————-
The Objectives:
#1 Sentence Completions to Facilitate Self-Assertiveness
Here are sentence stems that can facilitate reaching a deeper understanding
of self-assertiveness, as well as energizing its practice.
Self-assertiveness to me means-
If I lived 5 percent more self-assertively today-
If someone had told me my wants were important-
If I had the courage to treat my wants as important-
And on the weekend. after rereading the week’s stems, write six to ten endings for If any of what I have been writing is true, it might be helpful if I-.
Of course there are other ways to work with these stems. In my self-esteem groups, for instance, we might work with all the stems on this list in one three-hour session, speaking our endings aloud, then discussing our endings and their action-implications”
Good luck Guys, and if there are any questions – just write them in the comments section below!
/Alexander
Here’s some links to some other videos which discuss the Self-assertiveness:
Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden – Insights & Perspectives (Part 6) https://youtu.be/x3HjlNeHLhs
HOW TO RAISE YOUR SELF ESTEEM – Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Animated Book Summary https://youtu.be/P70E2vQlczY?t=5m9s
HOW TO BUILD SELF ESTEEM – THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM BY NATHANIEL BRANDEN ANIMATED BOOK REVIEW https://youtu.be/dhuabY4DmEo?t=3m10s
10 Best Ideas | THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM | Nathaniel Branden | Book Summary https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rh6MflkPPjQ&t=1s
MUSIC:
Golden Ocean – Free Positive Guitar Background Music by Nicolai Heidlas Music is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
LICENSE: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Soundcloud: @nicolai-heidlas
Posting schedule:
SUNDAYS: New Weekly Personal Development Challenge
WEEK DAYS: Depending on the challenge, but at least one Video/Vlog at the Wednesdays
FRIDAY: Evaluation of Week Challenge
Why put in such an effort to grow every day? Because it’s so got damn fun and brings a purpose to life that is hard to beat.
Building Self-Esteem with Rejection Therapy – Learn how to ask anything – Weekly Challenge #55
Hey Guys! It’s time for yet another weekly challenge, and this time we’re all about Rejection therapy again. That means once we are going to do five small challenges where we expose ourselves to a predetermined situation of your choice with a request or question that means we are likely to get rejected! We do this to desensitize ourselves from fear of getting turned down, taking a no! But also, building self-esteem by going after the things we want in life, doing what we truly want! And that’s also why we design these challenges uniquely for ourselves.
It’s the fourth week I’ve been doing this particular thing, and It has truly worked like a charm so far! My social confidence and self-esteem has grown like crazy, and even though it’s really, really, tuff and filled with anxiety prior to doing it – there is always a bigger reward waiting for you on the other side of that mountain. The only way to fail, is to not try.
Now I’ve gone through this challenge three times already, so I’m going to try not be too repetitive and instead shed some personal experience I’ve gained so far, and some practical learnings from that.
But so, Rejection therapy is quite straight forward. Getting use to taking a no by asking questions and making requests. But is it worth all the hustle? Well, if you’ve been following me lately, you know this is the fourth week with rejection therapy, and the results haven’t lagging behind. I truly can feel the growth that has happened, both social confidence and self-esteem has gone through some major level upgrades! But this can’t solely be attributed to this, as we every other week are focusing in on one of the six pillars of self-esteem, based on the book with the same name. So far, we’ve been through the practice of consciousness, self-acceptance and self-responsibility, focusing in on these fundamental pieces, taking in some theory and doing some very simple sentence exercises has helped a ton in my self-esteem building journey.
But even more so, it’s almost like these results are secondary to the beautiful and amazing moments I’ve had the good fortune of experiencing as a result of my interactions. I’ve had some great conversations, experienced joy, laughter and made some deep connections I never thought was possible after just meeting them. Some moments that I’m going to cherish and carry with me for the rest of my life. Because if it’s one thing I’ve come to realize through my personal development journey, it is that it’s the small “top moments” as I like to call them, of the day, that makes it all so special. The daily journey throughout our life filled with beautiful details. But these often come when we experience new things, when we are aware, and seek those moment.
The Objectives:
5 Rejection Therapy Challenges throughout the week!
The Rules:
1# The request’s/question’s need to align with your goals/beliefs, if you go out and do something just to get rejected, but it interfere with your moral or what you believe in, it will decrease your self-esteem.
2# That means you’re not allowed to lie! Own the situation; rather tell the exact reason for why you’re doing what you’re doing, then try to manipulate your way to a yes.
Some tips along the way:
Plan out what you are going to do and say; unclarity will be a reason to hesitate when you are about to do what you are going to do – that’s my own experience!
Don’t let time play with you psyche, the longer you wait with the approach, the worse it’s going to get. JUST DO IT!
Remember, that no matter how shitty you feel before you do it, the reward that awaits you on the other side, will greatly make up for that!
Jia Jinag’s 5 tips – the guy who inspired me to start doing these challenges:
#1 – REJECTION TIP: Set a number of how many rejections you can face before you give up on your goal. My number was 100.
#2 – Always prepare a good reason WHY you are asking for something so you can explain your sometimes crazy requests
#3 – Be confident in your requests. If you’re nervous or scared, people will feel your unease and be less likely to say yes.
#4 – If someone says no, ask how you can help make it happen. Rejections are gateways into negotiations. When you ask how, you have the chance to collaborate and turn your no into a yes.
#5 – I focused on rejection attempts that would make me fearless. As you get rejected, create your own attempts to conquer your fears!
So that’s it, hope you feel hungry for some rejection and are excited to do this! I’m for sure is, again. If you want some inspiration, look through my precious weeks of rejection challenges, you’ll find them here:
